The Decade-Long Depression: When Theoretical Knowledge Met Real Life
If you’ve been following my stories or read some of my real-life accounts, you probably know about my spiritual journey — a rollercoaster of faith, confusion, illusion, and divine discovery.
It all began in 1992, in Ambala, when I picked up the first two volumes of The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. For the first time, I came across the concept of Kundalini Shakti in the Raja Yoga section — the divine energy that awakens only by the grace of a true Sadhguru. Before that, I was simply religious.
To me, religion meant offering fruits and sweets to God, lighting incense sticks, and chanting a few mantras — “Om Namah Shivaya,” “Jai Durga Maa,” “Jai Radhe Krishna.” Prayers were mostly transactional: “Please make tomorrow’s exam easy,” or “Let there be a holiday because I haven’t studied.” When things went my way, I believed God had listened. When we narrowly escaped trouble, I credited divine intervention. That was the extent of my connection with God.
But Swamiji’s Complete Works turned my world upside down. His words struck me like an avalanche — “God can be manifested in this very life.” “One can become an instrument of God.” These ideas thrilled me. Suddenly, logic and philosophy became my favorite weapons, much to the irritation of my elderly relatives!
However, as I later learned, there’s a vast difference between knowing and experiencing. Especially when you live in an environment where people are religious but not spiritual at all. My spiritual inclination became an eyesore to my family — and I must admit, I too became intolerable in their eyes.
And then came the Maha-Illusion of my life!
I met a devotee of Goddess Kali — a man who, I was told, would get possessed by the Goddess Herself every Tuesday and Saturday. People would visit his little temple for blessings and solutions. Naturally, this sounded divine to me. Having just read Ramakrishna Kathamrita, I felt this man had a lot in common with Sri Ramakrishna Paramhansa.
When I shared this feeling with a lady who hosted satsangs, she immediately hushed me and said, “What you feel is true — but don’t tell anyone!” And just like that, at 22 years old, I believed that Sri Ramakrishna had revealed Himself to me in this form! Can you imagine the euphoria?
So, the next logical (read: naïve) thought followed — if he marries me, he’ll surely take me closer to God!
When I had first met him, he told me vivid stories of how Maa Kali appeared to him in dazzling jewelry, called him away from school, and how miracles followed him everywhere. Once, he was invited to a home but couldn’t go due to a strike (bandh). Yet, the hosts claimed they had seen him and even fed him! Hearing all this, I concluded he must be the ideal life partner — holy, blessed, and clearly chosen by the Goddess!
I even reasoned that if I married him, I’d escape the “hardships” Swami Vivekananda had warned about — because surely, a God-blessed husband would grant me a shortcut to heaven!
Ah, the wisdom of youth!
My family, of course, was horrified. My spiritual lectures about the futility of material comforts already tested their patience, and now their daughter had rejected army officers and engineers for an eighth-grade dropout who claimed to channel Goddess Kali twice a week!
I was grounded — literally. Not allowed to step out of the house for months. When my sister arrived for her second delivery, I pretended to have moved on, but inside, I was heartbroken that people failed to recognize this “reincarnation of Ramakrishna.”
He had given me his aunt’s number, but when I called, he got angry and said, “Don’t call me. When the time comes, I will call you.” He never did. Still, I clung to my Maha-Illusion — living, working, and waiting.
I took up clerical jobs in various offices, not because I was career-driven, but because I thought — “Since God educated me, I should work so he can worship Maa Kali peacefully.” (In hindsight, yes — dumb thought. My entire salary vanished on bus fare!)
Then, in 1999, destiny brought him back at a bus stand. I gave him my office address — I was working at HCL Frontline then — and we met a few times at K.C. Das, chatting over samosas and cold drinks.
That’s when reality dawned. There was nothing to talk about. I realized I only respected him — not loved him. Respecting someone’s devotion is one thing; spending your life with them is quite another! Yeah – HCL gave me the much required acid wash to wash off my MahaIllusion!
From 1992 to 1999, I lived through a self-made depression — holding on to an illusion that was neither divine nor practical. Every marriage proposal that came my way felt like an attack on my “faith,” and I would even threaten God (yes, you read that right) that I’d end my life if He didn’t intervene!
When that seven-year itch finally healed, I tried Art of Living Part I & II, then Reiki Part I & II. Nothing satisfied my spiritual thirst. I was still searching for my true Guru — the one who could connect me to God.
And then came 2002, the turning point. A student at Arena Multimedia, where I was working as a Career Advisor, told me about Sahaja Yoga.
That day changed everything.
My spiritual journey that began in 1992 found its true direction in 2002 — exactly a decade later. A decade of depression, illusion, and desperate seeking — all healed by the grace of the Adi Shakti, Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi.
Looking back, I realize how merciful God is. Even when we lose ourselves in delusion, He patiently guides us back to the truth.
So, dear readers, if you ever feel lost, broken, or disillusioned — try Sahaja Yoga. It heals you from your very roots, no matter how deep your depression or confusion may be.
God can, and will, heal everything — if you simply let Him.
